In April, Esther took part in the Panaracer Dirty Reiver event and shares her thoughts on how it all unfolded.

After numerous hours in the saddle on long training rides, workouts that felt like they were going to snap my legs off and countless times calculating how many carbs per hour I should be consuming and getting the same answer every time, I was at the start line of the Dirty Reiver.

Being nervous is fine

I had slept fairly well the night before, was surrounded by teammates and had everything I needed in my bag for a full day in the saddle (except, as the rider briefing advised, a spare rear mech hanger but let’s not go there). It was beyond cold and as I focused on keeping warm, I remember feeling quite overwhelmed at the number of cyclists surrounding me. This was my first big event and the imposter syndrome started to creep in…what on earth was I thinking entering a 200km gravel event after only 12 months of cycling?

The start

After an unexpected 15 minute delay to our start, it was soon time to start pedalling and all previous thoughts escaped my mind as I started to focus on what would be my longest day out on the bike. The start was neutralised but it didn’t feel like it. We had managed to get behind some of the first groups leaving Kielder Castle so it felt very fast and chaotic, but I just kept myself as safe as I could and ensured I had teammates in view.

The smooth surface of the road soon changed to gravel and before I knew it, I was climbing the first ascent. I made it to the top and my legs weren’t burning. I remember thinking ‘1 down and I’ve no idea how many more to go’.

The next few miles were filled with a mixture of being overtaken by riders, some alerting me they were there, others just zooming past. I don’t recall anyone getting too close although I’m sure they did, but I focused on myself and the space I was in. I remember very quickly noticing the number of people on the side of the tracks with punctures or bike issues – including one of my teammates – I prayed that I wouldn’t be next.

Building confidence

As the miles passed, I tried to get myself into a rhythm and comfortable pace, but as soon as I did that, another climb would present itself. It felt relentless very early on and I realised in the first hour of riding that I perhaps wasn’t quite as mentally prepared for the climbing as I thought I was. I distracted my mind with other things and tried to enjoy the challenge of the tracks which felt like proper gravel, not like the stuff I’d trained on at home. As I managed to navigate each descent without issue, I started to get more confident in my ability. The scenery was beautiful but I wasn’t able to notice it as much as I would have liked – there was no opportunity to take my eye off the track. After a brief time getting separated from my teammates, we were reunited at the bottom of a descent and I removed the jacket that had kept me warm at the start but was now boiling me from the inside out. I remember someone saying, ‘we’ve completed 20% of the distance’ and that felt good.

Getting through the difficult miles

At the first feed stop we were reunited with our teammate who had earlier suffered a tyre issue and it was good to know that he was back riding. Some frustrating miles followed as I got separated from the group and stuck behind some riders who were going much slower than I wanted to. After finding the confidence to push through, I was soon back with the group and all I really remember after this is climb, after climb, after climb. I also remember dropping one of my epic 90g carb gel pouches which felt equivalent to losing my left arm. Frustratingly, after months of practice and feeling like I’d nailed my nutrition plan, it just didn’t work out as I had intended. Whether it was a few unplanned stops after smashing high carb gels or my body just not being able to digest what I was consuming on the day, I started to feel very sick and had one rather embarrassing meltdown at the top of a climb where I thought I was going to be sick. After giving myself a good talking to and the help of a team-mate, I got back on the bike and just kept the legs spinning, waiting for the feeling to pass.

The technical gravel didn’t really phase me and when I encountered short stretches of mud, I just channelled my inner cyclocross self, the phrase ‘just keep pedalling’ repeating through my mind. I recall vividly a stretch of mud towards the end and my legs just wanted to stop as I was exhausted. My friend behind, probably noticing a slight hesitation in pedalling shouted out ‘big watts here Esther’. It was just the reminder I needed.

The value in riding together

I’ve no idea how people do these events without friends around them. This became very apparent when two of us caught up to a teammate who was riding on his own after a fall off his bike. After some very questionable wound washing with water in a hydration bladder and a quick patch up with the few dressings I had in my bag, we were back riding. From this point until shortly after the 100km feed stop, I went to some very dark and frustrating places in my mind as the realisation dawned on me that it might not be my day for the full 200km distance. I knew deep down that I was struggling and with other things that had happened, I came to the decision that I would stop at 130km. The other people I was riding with had also come to the same conclusion, and as we approached the separation point for the 130km or the 200km, we all proceeded in the direction of the 130km route. I’d like to say I did this without hesitation, but within seconds I remember shouting out ‘I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision’. I quickly reverted back to the saying that had got me through most of the day ‘just keep pedalling’ and I pushed through to the end.

What have I taken away as a result of doing the Dirty Reiver?

Well, the biggest thing for me was that it’s okay for plans to change. I gave myself quite a hard time initially for not pushing myself to complete the full 200km distance. I had also put a lot of pressure on myself in the build up to the Dirty Reiver that I was there for the 200km and only the 200km. I hadn’t even considered doing one of the shorter routes. It’s easy to look back on something and feel you could have done more but, honestly, I don’t think I had it in me. I don’t think any number of 90g carb gel pouches would have got me to the end…and I finished with three of them in my bag!

Trust your preparation

Which leads me on to my next take away, to trust the figures based on my calculations for nutrition and not to compare to what others are doing. I said at the start of this reflection that I had calculated my carbohydrates per hour countless times – but I still packed extra. Way too much extra. I reckon I had enough fuel to last me two Dirty Reivers, and I certainly wasn’t going to ride it again.

What does success look like?

My final takeaway is that success can look like different things for different people. For some in our group, success was completing the full 200km, for others it was making it to the end safely and in one piece. I succeeded the moment I signed up for the event, believing that I could push myself out of my comfort zone and do something different. Everything else that happened after that was a bonus! 

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When

April 20th 2024

More info

For more information, please go to dirtyreiver.co.uk

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